Dargquon Ql'deleodna

First off, this story was really choppy, the dialogue didn't mesh well with the descriptions. Try to bring balance and flow to it by just moving things around *although some ...

First thing first, are these three separate poems? As I Run This Blade Threw My Flesh In A Hours Time I'll Be Out Of Breath Lying Still In A Pool ...

Hey! Sticky sweat dripping down my face. Neighborhood kids running in a race. Eating ice cream, swimming in the pool, ANYTHING to help stay cool. Hopscotch on the concrete, The ...

umm... what?! Are theses cliff notes/summaries of chapters and such, because this leaves the reader completely and utterly confused, nothing makes sense. Also you say 'I' a little too much ...

ok, um, well then. first of all your story jumps headfirst into the action (sometimes a good thing, for a grabber and all), but in this case, the whole action ...

Nice; Though I'm guessing this is just an excerpt from the full document? If it isn't It needs to be fleshed out, and more explaining and description must be added. ...

this truly is pointless. I know that was your intent, but please write with a meaning to. It isn't a bad poem. Just please keep that in mind. Poems' don't ...

It's an interesting story. I have this feeling that it may be true for some reason.... Your writing seemed casual and not very planned out, which is interesting to read ...

Not bad, but i think you should study up on some war in general. Find a good war book (maybe D-Day, stephen ambrose may seem a bit boring but good ...

First of all, this is a poem? Its more of a story. Second of all what's with your punctuation? The period marks are just thrown around and you're missing some ...

Blue is suggestions, green is the points of interest/problem. I'll finish later, didn't have too much time. When the clock struck half-past midnight, The faintest glow of blood-red grew Out ...

Interesting story, can't go into too much detail at the moment, i skimmed through it, and since it was all jammed together it was hard to read. But over all ...

These type of intro's where you write in first person are confusing and in a sense annoying. I have found out that stories written in first person tend to lack. ...

Work on grammar and punctuation. Also sort through this amorphous blob and make clear paragraphs (remember each time a new person speaks, new paragraph). Since you didn't do this it ...

The writing of this peice is quite choppy, the comma's come in either a little to early or too late. This poem also seems like a bunch of different idea's ...